This Is The Story of My
Beloved Granddaughter
Sarah Marie
It is my hope that these words will bring comfort to someone who has gone through the loss of a baby or child. Please know that you are not alone, and there are others that care about you. If you can only reach out, there are many sites and forums where you can find friends and comfort, or write to me if I can be of help in any way.
We are all part of each other on this Earth, and
everything we do, and every word we say, influences
the whole of the Universe we live in.
We are all in this life together.
Sarah's Story
Sarah's time on earth was a fleeting moment, and so painfully short, but she will spend an eternity in our hearts. We will always be connected by those strings that no one can sever. May her story touch you in some way, and help heal those hearts that are in need of it. Sarah changed my life forever and I am always available to help others when I'm needed.
My daughter was pregnant with a third child. This baby was the first in her second marriage. She had two teenaged daughters from her first marriage, and everyone was so thrilled when we found out a new baby was on the way. Since there hadn't been a new baby in our family for nearly 8 years, we couldn't have been any happier. We were all ready and very excited to welcome a new baby into our lives and hearts.
Her pregnancy seemed completely normal and all tests and check-ups were without problems. The Ob/Gyn was an older and experienced, very kind man. He had brought many babies into this world, yet he still saw every baby as the precious little miracle that they are. He watched over my daughter carefully and agreed that there would be no ultrasounds until later in the pregnancy. There was no immediate history of birth defects in our families and all other tests were completely normal.
We were all excited the first time my daughter announced she felt the baby move, and even more when we were able to put our hands on her tummy and feel for ourselves. Even though Sarah wasn't the first grand-baby in the family that little flutter of life still made me cry!
During the second trimester the Doctor ordered an ultrasound just to make sure everything looked ok. From everything they could see that day, we were told it was a perfect little girl, and she was doing just fine. Maybe a little on the small side, but she had plenty of time to grow before she was due to arrive.
It was late in the third trimester when things started to go wrong. The ultrasound showed a thinning on the umbilical cord and my daughter began to notice that Sarah didn't seem to be as active as she had been in the previous weeks. She wasn't as vigorous with her kicking, and stretching as she had just a few weeks earlier. My daughter grew progressively more concerned and was scheduled for another Ultrasound to see how everything looked. A few days before her scheduled appointment, she called me very early one morning all upset and crying. She hadn't felt the baby moving at all during the night and couldn't wake her up or get her to respond in any way. This was on December 17th, about three weeks before Sarah was actually due. She tried everything she could think of to get just a tiny wiggle, or kick, without success.
She called her Doctor and he wanted to see her right away. He said it was probably nothing but wanted to have another Neonatal specialist do a special ultrasound to take a closer look at Sarah. When she asked me to meet her at the Diagnostic Center, I had that sinking feeling that something was dreadfully wrong. I'm a Neonatal RN myself, and sometimes you instinctively get a feeling. I knew the Doctor was very concerned and I just couldn't shake it off. My daughter also felt this nagging voice in her head that kept saying something was dreadfully wrong. Of course I kept telling her everything would be ok.
December 17th, 1999
It was a cold winter day and everything about it is etched in my mind forever. We were all in the examining room and I'll never forget when the Ultrasound machine turned on. The Doctor has not turned on the ultra sound monitor screen to view the pictures yet. He wanted to hear the beating of Sarah's heart first. There was so sound...just silence...there was no heart beat.
The look on my daughter's face as she held tight to my hand, the horror of not hearing that tiny beat from the machine was deafening on its own. The Doctor remained silent as he desperately tried to find any thing that would indicate Sarah was still alive and ok. I knew the news wasn't going to be what we wanted to hear, but I just held my breath praying as fast as I could that her heart would finally be heard. After several tried the Doctor finally looked over at me, he just shook his head, and I knew in that instant, that Sarah had already gone back to Heaven.
Does anyone ever really expect this kind of disaster to strike them? Our hearts were broken in an instant and all of our baby dreams came tumbling and crumbling down all around and over us, burying us in the worst grief possible. There were no words, and we all burst into tears. Even our Doctor cried with us. He too had been though a similar situation with his own wife and baby. He knew exactly what we were going through.
He explained to us that Sarah had a birth defect that involved her umbilical cord and she was doomed from the very start, and nothing could have been done to fix it. He had hoped to take her out early enough to be able to save her. The umbilical cord had a section right at the tummy that had was too thin and fragile to supply her with nutrients and oxygen. Somehow it had become so thin and twisted that it finally severed her blood supply causing her death.
For the first time in my life, one of my children, as well as my grandchild, lay together right in front of me dying inside, and there was nothing I could do to make things better, it was out of my hands as well as the Doctor's.
The hours and days that followed are ones I will never forget. The most prevalent was the fact that we were all about to go through the one thing in life we never thought we could survive. The birth and death of our baby girl all at once.
We all expect to lose people and loved sometime, it's part of lifes cycle, but never a baby. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare, and I couldn't wake myself up. Everything became muffled like I was in a deep cavern somewhere. How could my daughter endure the heartache and pain that lay ahead? How would my daughter go through these next hours knowing she would give birth to her precious baby girl we knew was already departed? We were all so overwhelmed with grief, and our Sarah was gone. My birthday is on December 22, and little Sarah was about to be born and buried in the next few days. I prayed with all my heart and soul that there was a great mistake, and when she was born she would take a breath and she would be just fine. I still could not believe this was happening.
The Doctor admitted my daughter into the hospital immediately, and told us he would would induce labor in the morning. Just after midnight my daughter spontaneously went into labor on her own. No words can really describe the emotional torture of that night and the days that followed. This was the same hospital where I had gone to Nursing School. Everything looked and smelled the same. Even the print on the baby blankets that held our little Sarah were the same. I was in a daze, and went through the motions, like I wasn't in my body.
My daughter was placed in a private birthing room at the end of a ward away from the parents who would experience only joyful tears that day. There was a card on the door that alerted anyone entering that our baby had died. The hospital staff was very accommodating and understanding and allowed us plenty of family privacy.
Early that cold December morning at 9:45 a.m. precious Sarah Marie was born. She weighed 3 lbs 4 oz. and she was 16.75 inches long. The physical pain was no match for what my daughter was going through inside. The one moment we had been awaiting so anxiously for, was one we now dreaded. At the time of her precious birth, I was on one side of my daughter, and her sister Victoria, was on the other side. We were holding her hands and praying. I'll never forget the words as my daughter sobbed when Sarah was born. They placed her up on her tummy to cut the cord,and all she could cry was “My baby, My Baby, my little Sarah", over and over again. We all cried, our hearts were broken and shattered. How would we ever recover from this loss?
She was so beautiful, so tiny, so precious and fragile, so perfect in every way, except for that little flaw on the umbilical cord. She looked like she was just sleeping. To comprehend she was taken from us because of this, was almost impossible to take in.
Following the delivery, Sarah was weighted, measured , bathed and dressed. Then Sarah was placed in my daughter's arms to say her I love you's and good bye's. We were devastated! Each of us were able to spend time with Sarah and hold her and talk to her. It may sound awful, but I now see it was the best thing we could have done. We held her, talked to her, and told her how much she was loved and would be missed by all of us. They left her with us for several hours, but as Sun began to set, they told us we should let her go.
Taking her away was was one of the most difficult things to do, especially for my daughter. There would be no tomorrow to hold her in her arms, no tomorrows to bath and dress her, no tomorrows to spend with this so wanted and loved baby girl.
Some of the hardest days for all of us were in the next few weeks, and months. This is an awkward time for friends and family as well, and no one wants to cause tears, so they just avoided talking about Sarah all together, like she didn't exist anymore. The world was moving forward, but it was slower for me and my daughter's. We had the funeral the day after my birthday, so needless to say my birthday's are always a reminder of these tragic days.
I cannot speak for other grandmother's who have, or may have to endure this type of loss. I can only tell you how it was for me, and how it changed my life forever. Sarah's short stay in my daughter's womb and in our lives will never be forgotten. She is very much a part of who we are now, and how her brief moment in time changed us all. We will never really know why this was her destiny, and there was no way to change the outcome from the time she was conceived. Her story was written before she came to Earth.
We cannot continue to be devastated by our little angels loss, because there is a greater power and things unknown to us at this time. There were blessings that took place during those hours we spent with her. Sarah came to do something that held a very deep meaning, even if we couldn't see it at the time.
Just to hold her in my arms once again, I would endure that pain all over. I think that special babies like Sarah Marie, come to us for extraordinary reasons. I think she knew how much we loved and will always treasure her. Those brief hours we had with her will keep her memory alive in our hearts forever.
This darling baby girl, that for some unknown reason, wasn't able to stay with us, made an impact on so many lives with her brief appearance. In my heart I feel we were all blessed by this precious, tiny, momentary gift, and one we will spend the rest of our lives trying to completely comprehend.
Life does go on, and yes, we were all changed because of this.
No life should ever be taken for granted.
Every soul should be honored and treasured for who they are.
To those of you that have been through a similar loss,
I know your Guardian Angel keeps watch over you.
I pray your pain and heartache will be eased.
Losing a child is one of the hardest things you will ever endure.
It is my prayer that most of you reading this memorial will never have to endure this type of loss or pain, and you'll treasure the babies God entrusts to you and realize the precious gift that each one truly is.
There are others willing to help if you need it.
To Our Darling Sarah...
You will remain in our hearts forever, and we
will be together again someday!
Love, Hugs and Kisses,
Your Loving Grandma,
Joyce
